I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. - Mitch Hedberg

I did a movie with Peter Frampton. He's a musical genius, but I don't listen to his stuff. So I had to continuously try to draw attention away from the fact. "Hey Peter Frampton! Do you like toast too!? Yes, as do I, it is warm and crispy... and the perfect place for jelly to lay. Now stay the fuck away from me Frampton, I ain't got shit to say to you!"

"I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later."
“I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later.

When I was on acid, I would see things. Like beams of light. And I would hear sounds… that sounded an awful lot like car horns.