Karl Pilkington Quotes

12 hours on a plane, over 5,000 miles. All this way you've got me licking fish.

Now Hilda, she was your bog standard old woman.

It's like the panda, they say that's dying out. But what do they do? When you see them they're just sitting in the jungle eating

I wouldn't put a date on that pancake day anyway, just av 'em when you want, have it when you want. There's no big deal. You've got to make 'em yourself, it's not like some place is openin' to do it. Have em when you want. I don't know why that's got a special day on it,sick-of-it

You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad - Karl re-evaluates the phrase A stitch in time saves nine.

People who live in a glass house have to answer the door - Karl invents his own phrase based on Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

I was at some night once, right. It was some night out and er, some people come running on stage. And some music started coming on. These four people came running out, it was two women, two blokes. It wasn't gay an' that. It was just a normal night -well, y'know, some party night out. These people come running on. You've got two women, you've got two blokes. They whip their knickers off. The fellas whip their undies off. All at the same time, like er, whatsit? Cheryl Baker was in it... Bucks Fizz. So that happened and all I'm saying is, right; before I had a look at the woman's bits, I just had a cheeky glance at the fellas' bits, just checkin' it out, checking everything's normal down there. Believe me, I had a look at the ladies' bits but I didn't know how long that pants were going to left off for.

Could the world fall?

Where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday — what? Tapas? Go on then I'll have a bit. You eat whatevers in that area.

Talking about being in heaven- It's not fair though because all them lot have been up there ages with like a chance to get a bit of sun on the body and that so they'll look alright. I'll be wandering about with underpant marks and stuff.

We're just a weed in the universe

They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle... get it locked up.

It serves a purpose.

On seals - Its between a fish and a dog.

On dopplegangers - How would I know which one I was?