Karl Pilkington Quotes

I've got a fat head. There's nothing I can do about it.

That impresses me more, inventin' electricity[Talking about Benjamin Franklin]

I've never understood what pole dancing's about anyway. It's a waste of a good skill. Get into scaffolding or something.

Just pop it on your wrist. - Ricky asks Karl how his 'invention' of a watch that counts down your life would actually work.

All I'm saying is that old people need to be old people. You need oldness. You need to see old people. You need to go Right, they might have a solution they've been on the earth longer. Quick, we need an answer. How old are yer? - I'm 32 - Well you look 78!

Just sort of wander about and that, and just not get seen [What he would do with the power of invisibility]

Ricky: You are the strangest man alive.

People who live in a glass house have to answer the door - Karl invents his own phrase based on Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

"I've got to make sure the groom's hat's on straight." That's when you know an event's overstaffed.

Yeah but everyone was a saint years ago, that seemed to be thrown about back then. Who's a saint now, in this year, who's a saint? And yet this guy, lived in a hut in the woods, 'oh yeah that's Saint John or whatever.' He wasn't a saint, he did nothin [Karl arguing with Steve and Ricky about Russian artifacts containing a portrait of a Russian Saint]

Whoop, there's an elephant in the room

I was at some night once, right. It was some night out and er, some people come running on stage. And some music started coming on. These four people came running out, it was two women, two blokes. It wasn't gay an' that. It was just a normal night -well, y'know, some party night out. These people come running on. You've got two women, you've got two blokes. They whip their knickers off. The fellas whip their undies off. All at the same time, like er, whatsit? Cheryl Baker was in it... Bucks Fizz. So that happened and all I'm saying is, right; before I had a look at the woman's bits, I just had a cheeky glance at the fellas' bits, just checkin' it out, checking everything's normal down there. Believe me, I had a look at the ladies' bits but I didn't know how long that pants were going to left off for.

Karl's diary - Woke up at 9.55am. Soon as I woke up, I looked at Suzanne and she looked at me. I said, Did I tell you about the immune system? Suzanne starting laughing, I said it's amazing. She said, Not now.

This isn't Amazon where you can go "I'm not happy with the product" and pop it back in the post. Thats it, you've got it

Fella comes walking toward me. Only got no pants on. So I said, ‘Suzanne, what's going on?’