Karl Pilkington Quotes

On seeing an ultrasound picture- It was an awkward situation because she was happy with it. I was like 'Oh God'. It was an odd looking thing. I couldn't say 'Oh, it looks like you' because that would be a diss.

What's that plate that's above a saucer but below a plate?

Say if I was in charge and someone said that buildin' needs knockin' down, it's dangerous, if we didn't have a calendar we'd go 'erm let's do it now then.' Whereas cos we've got a calendar it's easy to say...'next Wednesday'

I wouldn't put a date on that pancake day anyway, just av 'em when you want, have it when you want. There's no big deal. You've got to make 'em yourself, it's not like some place is openin' to do it. Have em when you want. I don't know why that's got a special day on it,sick-of-it

If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about. - Karl interprets the phrase Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Any problem solved is a new problem made.

It is hard eating a little kangaroo knob.

Treat the world like a head.

Now Hilda, she was your bog standard old woman.

My brain's just full of passwords

If you had 5 photos of anuses, I could not point mine out

Flies used to be happy-go-lucky, on their own; the sun’s out, have a fly about. Now, there’s little attacks going on.

We've invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about

Well, you took me to the BAFTAs. Yeah, but only cos no-one else would probably wanna go with you.

The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.’