One time, my wife said to me, [imitating his wife] "Honey, the dryer is broken." [as himself] Did you check the lint trap? [imitating his wife with a… - Ron White

He hooks me up to the gas and I don't feel anything. I'm like "Dude, you need to turn this gas up. He goes, "There are regulations in the State of Nevada stating which, Code One, Section Four..." I'm like, Fuck! And I asked him, I said, "Where did you go to college?" He goes, "Brigham Young." Fuck, dude, turn it up to Catholic. Never let a Mormon set your buzz level. Never. Don't do it. And I'll tell you why. They don't understand "Fucked Up" the way you and I do. They don't. They're guessin', and they're shitty guessers. (4:32)

You ever see tape of the Kehoe brothers from Ohio, those two guys that get out of that white Suburban, it's been on Cops a few times? Those guys, folks, have a shootout with the police, at point...blank...range—nobody gets hurt. I would love to have been at that office the next day when that guy's being interviewed by the police. "And then what happened?" "Well, at that point, I unloaded my semi-automatic 9 millimeter weapon at point blank range." "And then what happened?" "They...left." Nice shooting, Elmer Fudd. There was a kid in Detroit a few years ago, shot 8 bullets, hit 9 people. These cops fired 22 shots, didn't even hit the fuckin' Suburban!

On my way to Alaska, somebody suggested that I watch this movie, which I did. It's called Grizzly Man, and if you get a chance, watch it. It's very entertaining. It's about this guy, a never-do-well out-of-work-actor, who tries to reinvent himself as a filmmaker, and he goes to "grizzly land" and shoots this amazing footage, which was later compiled by Werner Herzog. And, about halfway through the movie, this guy snaps and thinks he's at one with the grizzly bears, and grizzly bears, he says, not only have the capacity for intellect, they have the capacity for sympathy...and then one of them eats him...FUNNIEST movie I've ever seen in my life. I laughed 'till I thought I was going to throw up! [Mimics laughing uproariously] "The bear ate him! That's rich!" And I wondered if this guy's dad, like my dad, ever said to him, "You're never gonna be shit!" [Audience laughs] "Well, you're wrong, poppa. Tomorrow morning, when this bear pushes me through his bowels, I'll be a steaming pile of bear-shit. I hope you're proud, daddy. You have no idea what I had to go through to make your dreams come true. I had to be digested. You know what that's like, daddy? I suppose you don't."