He hooks me up to the gas and I don't feel anything. I'm like "Dude, you need to turn this gas up. He goes, "There are regulations in the State of Ne… - Ron White

I'm gonna try telling you this story. This happened on Tuesday. I'm going home from PetSmart in the car with two dogs and the wife, and the wife says, "I need to stop at the bank," and I say, "Shit" or whatever the hell I say because I don't go to the bank. Everybody knows that; I stay in the car with the dogs. My wife said, "I'll be, you know, 5 minutes," but there's absolutely no such thing as 5 minutes with this woman. So, she goes in. And I know my dogs need to pee, and at our bank, there's one piece of manicured lawn that has two signs that both say No Dogs...so I take my dogs over there. This guy comes waddling out of the bank with a big scowl on his face and he says, "The sign says 'no dogs'!" I said, "Well, the sign's wrong. The sign should say, 'two dogs'."

Last year in Florida, at Sea World Florida, an animal trainer was killed by a killer whale...HUH. Turns out, there's a reason they didn't name them "ocean ponies." Some things are exactly as they seem, folks. Killer whales kill, pilot whales wear dark sunglasses. I'm not sure how the sperm whale got his name...but I'm not getting in the pool. (31:06)

Austin was the first place where I was blatently offered a three-way, and I turned it down because it was one of those deals where it was two dudes and...me. I don't even watch Two and a Half Men. (2:25)