If another one of my Whole-Foods friends says my wife should have a home birth, I am going to punch all the soy on the planet. - Patton Oswalt

They had a class at my college called "Physics for Poets!" Hey there, theater fags and English queers! Put on some pantaloons and a scarf and take a bracing shot of absinthe and skip on down through a field of gilly-flowers to the Physics department, where we'll teach you about the music of the spheres! Without using any scaaary numbers! And you can ask questions like, "Is the red planet Mercury like the crimson eye of Cerberus?" Whatever, D'Artagnan, sit the fuck down. Let's just get you through this.

I was thinking the other day about a time machine... and the first thing I thought of doing if I actually had a time machine, is that I would go back in time to about 1993 or '94, and kill George Lucas with a shovel.

If they've really caught the #GoldenStateKiller, I hope I get to visit him. Not to gloat or gawk — to ask him the questions that @TrueCrimeDiary wanted answered in her “Letter To An Old Man” at the end of #IllBeGoneInTheDark.