If you see devils, they lock you up, but in America, if you see angels, they put you on morning TV. - David Sedaris

"This grown man who now phones his father to say, "Motherfucker, I ain't seen pussy so long, I'd throw stones at it.

She said, “I’m going to have you fired.” I had two people say that to me today, “I’m going to have you fired.” Go ahead, be my guest. I’m wearing a green velvet costume; it doesn’t get any worse than this. Who do these people think they are? I’m going to have you fired!” and I wanted to lean over and say, “I’m going to have you killed.

We give anonymously because the sackfuls of thank-you letters break our hearts with their clumsy handwriting and hopeless phonetic spelling.