She just happens to be my father, young man, and I'd appreciate it of you'd show her a little respect. - David Sedaris

I can't seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding like a missionary, someone whose job it is to convert rather than listen.

Dad on friendship: "Sure, some people are nice. Real nice. Nice like carpets so you can walk all over them."

If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you scream, or would you innately understand that he meant you no harm?