[On football] You're playing a game against a man called the Refrigerator! He's not a refrigerator – he's a goddamn HOUSE with LEGS!! - Robin Williams

Before I go on, I want to ask if there are any Hell's Angels here tonight? [no response] … Those pussy-whipped faggots!

And you realize how drunk (Scotsmen) get; they could wear a skirt and not care! And how they could invent a sport like golf! [Imitating a drunk Scotsman] "Here's my idea for a fuckin' sport. I knock a ball in a gopher hole!" Oh, you mean like pool? "Fuck off pool! Not with a straight stick, with a little fucked-up stick! I whack a ball, it goes in a gopher hole!" Oh, you mean like croquet? "FUCK CROQUET! I'll put the hole hundreds of yards away! Oh, fuck, oh yeah! It's great fun, there! Oh, yeah, it's a great thing!" Oh, like a bowling thing? "FUCK NO! Not straight, I put shit in the way! Like trees and bushes and high grass! So you can lose your fuckin' ball and go whackin' away with a fuckin' tire iron! Whackin' away and each time you miss, you feel like you're gonna have a stroke, ah ha! Fuck, that's what we'll call it, a 'stroke'! 'Cause every time you miss, you feel like you're gonna fuckin' die! Oh, great! Oh, and here's the better part, oh, fuck, this is brilliant. Right near the end, I'll put a flat piece, with a little flag to give you fuckin' hope. But then I'll put a pool and a sandbox to fuck with your ball again! Ah, you'll be there trashin' your ass, jerkin' away in the sand, ah ha!" Oh, and you do this one time? "FUCK NO! EIGHTEEN FUCKIN' TIMES!"

These drugs have side effects that go on for fuckin' days, like tendency-to-grow-another-head, oh my God! When we were growing up we knew the side effects of the drugs we were taking. Cocaine, side effects were paranoia, ninjas-on-the-lawn; quaaludes, side effects were talking in tongues, English as a second language; marijuana, side effects were laughter, Frosted Flakes.