My manager will send me anywhere he wants to, 'cause he doesn't have to fuckin' go. - Ron White

I promised Sears I would tell this story on stage every night till the lawsuit's settled. I had my van down at Savannah, Georgia, didn't like the way the tires were wearing on it. I took the van to Sears Automotive, "A trusted name in automotive service." Takes them 3-and-a-half hours to change four tires. Apparently, they had to whittle one of them out of a piece of wheat. I pay them $980 of MY hard-earned money, I take a right-hand turn out of the mall, the left-rear wheel falls off. It falls OFF. It FALLS THE FUCK OFF. Turning my van into a tripod, spinning me into a dimension of "pissed off" I've never been in before in my life!

I'm 61 years old now, and I know two things to be true. One: anything has the potential to become a DUI checkpoint if you crash your car into it. And you can't unfuck the housekeeper.

I'm gonna try telling you this story. This happened on Tuesday. I'm going home from PetSmart in the car with two dogs and the wife, and the wife says, "I need to stop at the bank," and I say, "Shit" or whatever the hell I say because I don't go to the bank. Everybody knows that; I stay in the car with the dogs. My wife said, "I'll be, you know, 5 minutes," but there's absolutely no such thing as 5 minutes with this woman. So, she goes in. And I know my dogs need to pee, and at our bank, there's one piece of manicured lawn that has two signs that both say No Dogs...so I take my dogs over there. This guy comes waddling out of the bank with a big scowl on his face and he says, "The sign says 'no dogs'!" I said, "Well, the sign's wrong. The sign should say, 'two dogs'."