And everyone's reading, you have to read, you can't be on the tube without reading, reading is very important. You get on on the morning and every si… - Michael McIntyre

See, you learn about humans when you have a baby. Like girls. Girls are so much more advanced than boys. I seriously think that girls are born in conversation. Like, they come out of the womb, talking: "Are you my mother? Lovely to put a face to a name."

People still, old people, insist on picking up the phone and saying their home number, why are you doing that? What a complete waste of time. [imitating old person] "020767944!" [exasperated person on other end] "I know that, I've just dialled it! It's the last thing I did on earth was dial those numbers. Do you open the front door and say your address? It's the same principle."

[on Valentine's cards] Just last week I wrote "I still love you. See last year's card for full details."