When I was younger, my mother told me, "Mitch, some day you're going to have to move out of the house and get a job." Well, today is the day, that's … - Mitch Hedberg

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!" (laughter) See, this is a smart crowd. Whenever I play for a dumb crowd, I say, "You got a lot of shit on your head!"

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.