And then I realized I was being checked out by GUYS! And I know they were checking me out, because they were looking at me like I look at tacos. And … - Gabriel Iglesias

My favorite people to have fun with are police officers 'cause they're so serious, you know. They gotta be, you know. Check this out. I get pulled over one night coming out of a Krispy Kreme drive-thru. Don't get ahead of me, listen! [Laughs] I made a left turn instead of making a right, but I wasn't paying attention 'cause I had a box, right? I was like "[Gasp] Oh, you're gonna get it when you get home. You've been so bad!" So I went the wrong way, right? [Mimics car engine noise and gestures to turn left.] Sure enough, [Mimics police siren] "OOGGG!" I'm sitting there patiently waiting for the cop but he's taking forever, I said "You know what, to hell with this, he's taking too long!" I grab my box, I put it on my lap, I flipped it open, right? [Licks finger and pretends to touch one of the donuts and screams] Just as I was about to get into my donuts, the cop gets to the window and he says the same thing they all say, "You know why I pulled you over?" I couldn't help it: I looked up at him and I said "'Cause you can smell it!" Oh, he was dying, man! Son of a bitch!

I celebrated my 21st birthday here, and that was the last time I drank in El Paso. [Audience cheers] You folks don't mess around, you know? Everyone was going, "It's your birthday," I was like, "It's my birthday!" "Do you want a drink?" "SUUUURE!" And I kept drinking and drinking and drinking, and then the staff asked me, "Do you want to party?" I was like, [Slurring]"I want to party." "Do you want to dance?" [Slurring] "I wanna dance!" I passed out, you guys, and woke up at a place called the O.P. [Audience laughs and cheers] Yeah, the reason you people in El Paso are laughing is because you KNOW! I had no idea it was an "Alternative" night club. I'm from L.A., I thought O.P. stood for: Orale pues! That is a bad way to sober up, you guys. I'm just dancing, you know [Imitates beat-box music] Boom, boom, boom, hey! Boom, boom, boom, hey! Boom, boom, boom- [Jumps like something's behind him] HEY! [Audience laughs] And behind me was this little guy going, [Little effeminate voice] "Pikachu!"

I'm gonna tell you something right now, Indian people in the United States are the hardest working people I've ever seen, and that's coming from a Mexican, okay?