Kathy Griffin Quotes

And she's like "Angie Harmon is here"!! So I was like, well let me...well fuck me then and I ran as fast as I could!

(Recalling her speech at an AMFAR event that was intended to be a parody of Sharon Stone's earlier speech, reciting the lyrics to John Lennon's "Imagine".) Ladies and gentlemen, I am so honored to be here and Sharon spoke so eloquently before that it reminded me of something I once read a long time ago. You ain't nothin but a hound dog. Oh, gosh, that reminds me, many years ago I was walking down the street in Memphis and I said, "Whoa- that's Elvis"...and I fucked him. I fucked him hard. I did, I did. Sure, he called me 'Cilla the whole time, but I didn't mind. (sobbing) Cryin' all the time, well, you ain't never caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine.

The first red flag? The crooked wig! That's how you know what level of awareness Whitney is at. Cause let me tell - you know her gay was straightening that wig to the bitter end. Making sure the part was in the right place. But you know what - when the (crack) pipe is shaking? It's hard to keep it on, when the pipe is all shaking.

I might imply in my act that Clay (Aiken) is a big, fat homo!

So then, she looks at Brooke (Shields)'s Dad with his newer wife, and she's like "So, now you're with my ex-husband. Well, congratulations, you can have him"! It was fucking on!!

She wouldn't shake my hand! I said "C'mon, be a gentleman".

I would rather blow a guy in the bathroom at White Castle in between sliders...because I'm romantic!

So, Hanson, which one of you boys is coming home with me tonight? (greeting the band Hanson)

I'm gonna be so hot, I'm gonna fuck myself!

She reaches under and grabs my peech and like, squeezes it and walks away. I run over to Brooke and go "Your mother just molested me. I could sue you and own this house"!

(About Elisabeth Hasselbeck) Really Hasselbeck, you're gonna throw down with me? I mean, really? If you're gonna come to the play yard, be prepared to fucking play!

I had a run in with Whitney Houston, or as I call her, "Cracky." Allegedly.

Elin Nordegren could not be happier. How many girls here would trade places with her in a second? Where do I sign? First of all, she doesn't have to bang him (Tiger Woods) anymore! And she's probably gonna get, like $500 million! So they keep getting these pictures of her with the two kids, and she's just laughing all the way to the bank...haaa haaa haaa haaa...heugen fleugen heugen fleugen...hjorda fjorda hjorda fjorda...

I know I'm going to Hell. And I think I might see a few of you there. When I get there, it'll be like (waving) "Hi", "Hi", "Oh my God....Hi!"

I'm not wearing any pants and the lesbians are waiting!