[about rental car employees who ask if he wants the additional insurance] - Jeff Foxworthy

If you're a man and you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay or married.

On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

You don't have the stupidest family in the world, you don't have the goofiest family in the world. And if you ever need to verify that, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Five minutes at a fair, you'll be going, "You know what? We're all right. We're dang near royalty!"