If you're a man and you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay or married. - Jeff Foxworthy

People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."

On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic -- bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta -- the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.