If you're a man and you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay or married. - Jeff Foxworthy

[On why criminals rob nice-looking houses] You come up on a house where the grass is this tall, and there's a dog chained to the clothesline, and a motor swinging in the tree, buddy, that's a house where a gun lives! And you want to find out what kind it is, just crawl through the window after dark.

Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.

On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors.