Jeff Foxworthy Quotes

On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

I think {the designated driver program} is a great idea, because anything is safer than the way we used to do it: "Hey dude, get up! Give us a ride home, man! C'mon, whaddaya say? We'll buy ya a beer!"...The only problem with the designated driver program {is} it's not the world's most desirable job...But if you ever get talked into doing it, have fun with the group. Like at the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong damn house, preferably in their boss's front yard or something.

I've often said working with Larry is a lot like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.

My mother won't drive 50 miles an hour. You put her in a rental car, she's doing doughnuts in the grocery store parking lot!

(To his wife) You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have "testiculars"!

Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to run out on the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here, ain't it! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna go take a nap now, all right?"

[having his Camaro repossessed] He said, "Mr. Foxworthy, I'm from the bank, and unless you have $500, I am taking the Camaro with me." I got mad! I said, "$500?! Who keeps that kinda cash on them?" He said, "You can't write me a check?" I said, "No, I -- a check? Hell yeah, I can write you a check! I thought you needed money. Tell you what, I'm just gonna pay the whole thing off right now! I'm gonna be a congressman when I grow up."

Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.

Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavin' and it's about comin' home. It's real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country. You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers . . . I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!

[what men are thinking] I'd like a beer and I'd like to see something naked.

People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."

My wife is a beautiful girl. To hear her describe herself, it sounds like "The Bearded Goat Woman from Hell". If she looked like that, I'd never let her out of the house! I'd chain her up in the backyard, charge 5 bucks for people to look at her. "Alright, now this is some scary shit. I mean it, stand back!" [mimes opening a gate, makes deformed faces and mimes closing the gate] That is my wife!"

[about his daughters and nieces having developed a natural curiosity about boys]