Bill Engvall Quotes

Bill is at the pet store, buying a big bag of cat litter

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing somebody for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

We could walk into a Chinese restaurant right here in Chicago. And the waiter could have been born here, raised here, went to college here, he has never left the city limits. I'm the idiot that walks in that restaurant and goes [in exaggerated Chinese] "Uh, yes. I'll have fried rice. Egg roll..." And you can see him go "I am so going to spit in your food, I swear to God." And it drives my daughter crazy. 'Cause she goes "why do you do that? That is so insulting to them!"

Watching NASCAR with my wife is like taking a test. Every single turn, she has a question. Now, here's the problem: Sometimes her questions actually make sense, I don't have an answer for them. So, I have to do that guy thing and go Pfft! You ever hear your man do that, ladies? That means he doesn't know the answer, but he's thinking.

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My bad!".

[about magazines school children sell, which his wife buys without even looking at what she's buying]

In the store, Bill is buying some pants.

[about how people in the 90's used "awesome" wrongly]

Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.

Truck driver gets his truck stuck under an overpass, with Engvall watching.

Engvall and his wife are packing up their stuff to move, with a U-Haul sitting in their driveway.

[about an incident in a coffee shop]

Larry's grandmother has died at age 104

A half a Vicodin and a Bahama Mama...makes for a bitchin' day!

Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket.