Bill Engvall Quotes

Bill and Larry The Cable Guy walk by a stone that Bill's neighbor had had 1894, his address, carved into it.

Engvall and his wife are packing up their stuff to move, with a U-Haul sitting in their driveway.

This year, ladies and gentlemen, I was cool for 2 seconds of my life. I got to fly with the Air Force Thunderbirds. (Audience hoots and hollers) You betcha! They called me up out of the blue, and they go, "Hey, we want you to fly with us." And I'm like, "You got the right number?" They said, "Yeah, Bill Engvall, comedian. You stand for what America stands for. Be an honor to have you fly with us." I'm like, (dork voice) "Be an honor to fly with 'ya." He goes, "Well, we gotta get you clearance from the Pentagon." I go, "Well, you're screwed."

Engvall and his wife have, for three days, had a cement truck in their yard to re-do their porch.

Bill is at the pet store, buying a big bag of cat litter

Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.

at the Engvalls' home, Travis is about to play on the piano.

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

[about an incident in a coffee shop]

Tow truck is pulling Bill's car out of his driveway

Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.

Ron White's son is going on a direct flight from Austin, Texas to Houston, Texas to see his grandparents. Ron is talking to the flight attendant.

I might've tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollerin' at his buddies, "Whoo! Whoa, check me out, dudes! Whoo, that ground is coming up..."—BAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right, dude– you're up."

[about his daughter Emily, who scored 1390 on her SATs]

My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that . . . discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was . . . gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"