Bill Engvall Quotes

Watching NASCAR with my wife is like taking a test. Every single turn, she has a question. Now, here's the problem: Sometimes her questions actually make sense, I don't have an answer for them. So, I have to do that guy thing and go Pfft! You ever hear your man do that, ladies? That means he doesn't know the answer, but he's thinking.

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties. Welcome to my world.

[about an incident in a coffee shop]

[after watching a spitting cobra spit at Steve Irwin]

Truck driver gets his truck stuck under an overpass, with Engvall watching.

[about his daughter Emily, who scored 1390 on her SATs]

Engvall and his buddy get off a boat with a big string of bass.

Larry's grandmother has died at age 104

A half a Vicodin and a Bahama Mama...makes for a bitchin' day!

Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.

(Talking about what he wants at his funeral)

[watching a baseball game in Los Angeles]

On the phone with his wife when the plane he was on stopped after hitting a deer.

[about how he and his wife can't go out on a date, since they're married]

Marital sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.