(Talking about what he wants at his funeral) - Bill Engvall

Engvall's car breaks down on a highway, there's smoke pouring out of the hood, and a motorist stops to help him.

Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey..." (pantomimes hitting his son) "We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Engvall and his buddy get off a boat with a big string of bass.