Bill Engvall Quotes

[his plan to prevent potential boyfriends from taking advantage of his daughter]

A half a Vicodin and a Bahama Mama...makes for a bitchin' day!

Larry's grandmother has died at age 104

I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: "You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage." Number two: "We have medication for this." And number three: "It was more than an ounce and he was less than 100 yards from the school."

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing somebody for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

Ron White's son is going on a direct flight from Austin, Texas to Houston, Texas to see his grandparents. Ron is talking to the flight attendant.

Jeff's, Larry's, and Ron's Heres Your Sign.

Truck driver gets his truck stuck under an overpass, with Engvall watching.

[playing Pictionary with his wife and some friends]

[about magazines school children sell, which his wife buys without even looking at what she's buying]

As told in the final section of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour Christmas CD:

[about an incident in a coffee shop]

Bill and his brother-in-law had shot a deer and drove it in to get processed. At a rest stop, a woman stops at the truck

Marital sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket.