Bill Engvall Quotes

And we have a German shepherd we found on the side of the road; that dog's psycho, now I know why she was on the side of the road. Yeah, "nothing's free." But I love that dog. That dog saved my hind end one night. My wife and I are about to go to bed, her wiener dog's jumping on the bed after I just talked to it. [Audience laughs] So just grabbed my wife's wiener dog and put her in the backyard. At about 2 in the morning, I'm woken up by this loud squealing coming from my backyard. My God, I ran out of bed in my underwear, put on my headlight house shoes, go out to my backyard, and a coyote had jumped the fence. Yes, and had my wife's wiener dog pinned down on the ground. I was like, "Aw, hell...appreciate what you're doing, just do it a little more quieter, couldn't you?" About that time, I felt this "WOOSH" right by my leg. That German shepherd ran into the backyard, hit that coyote broadside, that coyote did three flips and jumped the fence. I turned to the German shepherd and I said, "C'mon, you're sleeping in the bed." And the funny thing was, for about a week after, my wife and I would be sitting at the table having breakfast, and there would be about 2-3 coyotes across the road looking at our backyard, and you know the conversation was going like this: "...What? Naw, hell no. Don't go in there, that little dog's a setup. I ain't lying; ask Joe what happened to him!"

Bill is at the pet store, buying a big bag of cat litter

Watching NASCAR with my wife is like taking a test. Every single turn, she has a question. Now, here's the problem: Sometimes her questions actually make sense, I don't have an answer for them. So, I have to do that guy thing and go Pfft! You ever hear your man do that, ladies? That means he doesn't know the answer, but he's thinking.

A half a Vicodin and a Bahama Mama...makes for a bitchin' day!

[about his daughter Emily, who scored 1390 on her SATs]

Bill and Larry The Cable Guy walk by a stone that Bill's neighbor had had 1894, his address, carved into it.

On the phone with his wife when the plane he was on stopped after hitting a deer.