Top 15 Jeff Foxworthy Quotes

[about his daughters and nieces having developed a natural curiosity about boys]

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers . . . I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's the things my wife dreams I did...My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up, I was like "Oww! What was that for?" She said "I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill." I said "I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dream, we'll both be happy."

[about a clerk, after recounting a story he read in which someone presented a store cashier with a million dollar bill and asked for change]

[about rental car employees who ask if he wants the additional insurance]

My mother won't drive 50 miles an hour. You put her in a rental car, she's doing doughnuts in the grocery store parking lot!

Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.

I've often said working with Larry is a lot like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? Because the DNA's all the same and there's no dental records.

If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.

If you're a man and you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay or married.

(To his wife) You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have "testiculars"!

A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic -- bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta -- the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.

Women [in bed] are kind of like diesel engines. You know, it may take a little bit to get them going, but once you do, they can run a long, long time. Men, on the other hand, we're more like...bottle rockets. <makes noise of a bottle rocket launching and then exploding> Ooh. Aah. <snores>

[what men are thinking] I'd like a beer and I'd like to see something naked.