My mother won't drive 50 miles an hour. You put her in a rental car, she's doing doughnuts in the grocery store parking lot! - Jeff Foxworthy

It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's the things my wife dreams I did...My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up, I was like "Oww! What was that for?" She said "I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill." I said "I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dream, we'll both be happy."

[On why criminals rob nice-looking houses] You come up on a house where the grass is this tall, and there's a dog chained to the clothesline, and a motor swinging in the tree, buddy, that's a house where a gun lives! And you want to find out what kind it is, just crawl through the window after dark.

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? Because the DNA's all the same and there's no dental records.