My mother won't drive 50 miles an hour. You put her in a rental car, she's doing doughnuts in the grocery store parking lot! - Jeff Foxworthy

If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.

People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers . . . I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!