Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? Because the DNA's all the same and there's no dental records. - Jeff Foxworthy

[describing the aftermath of a singles' party] It looked like "Jonestown: The Morning After"! You're trying to wake up people you've never met before. "Hey, Man With No Pants and a Fireman Helmet On... please get up. I gotta go to work. Alright, lock the door when you leave. I just got a new sofa, I don't want anything to happen to it."1

[about a clerk, after recounting a story he read in which someone presented a store cashier with a million dollar bill and asked for change]

My mother won't drive 50 miles an hour. You put her in a rental car, she's doing doughnuts in the grocery store parking lot!