It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's the things my wife dreams I did...My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up, I was lik… - Jeff Foxworthy

My wife is a beautiful girl. To hear her describe herself, it sounds like "The Bearded Goat Woman from Hell". If she looked like that, I'd never let her out of the house! I'd chain her up in the backyard, charge 5 bucks for people to look at her. "Alright, now this is some scary shit. I mean it, stand back!" [mimes opening a gate, makes deformed faces and mimes closing the gate] That is my wife!"

You don't have the stupidest family in the world, you don't have the goofiest family in the world. And if you ever need to verify that, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Five minutes at a fair, you'll be going, "You know what? We're all right. We're dang near royalty!"

On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors.