[having his Camaro repossessed] He said, "Mr. Foxworthy, I'm from the bank, and unless you have $500, I am taking the Camaro with me." I got mad! I s… - Jeff Foxworthy

My wife is a beautiful girl. To hear her describe herself, it sounds like "The Bearded Goat Woman from Hell". If she looked like that, I'd never let her out of the house! I'd chain her up in the backyard, charge 5 bucks for people to look at her. "Alright, now this is some scary shit. I mean it, stand back!" [mimes opening a gate, makes deformed faces and mimes closing the gate] That is my wife!"

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, "Let him pull it on his head a few times, he'll learn. You wanna put a penny in the light socket? Try that out. OHH! Hurt like hell, didn't it? Don't do that no more."

My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic."