[having his Camaro repossessed] He said, "Mr. Foxworthy, I'm from the bank, and unless you have $500, I am taking the Camaro with me." I got mad! I s… - Jeff Foxworthy

[Talking about "The First Singles Apartment"] They're all furnished pretty much the same way. In your bedroom, you have the mattress on the floor, protected by a mountain of dirty clothes, milk crates for night stands, lava lamp with a permanent glob in the bottom, stolen road sign on the wall, a blanket for a curtain. Out in the hall it was the mystery stain on the carpet, Budwiser mirror on the wall. Out on the balcony it was the rusted-out Hibachi grill, plant with no leaves on it, bike with no chain on it. In the den you had the spool. If you get one of those, you'll be like "it's coffee table time!" Next to that, the $9,000.00 stereo. We're going hungry, but we've got tunes! That was the stereo, you could turn it on after midnight and make the people down the street wet the bed. And the beanbag chair with duct tape on it to keep the stuff from fallin' out of it.

[telling a "You Might Be a Redneck" joke] If your family tree does not fork.... I can see some couples here don't like that. "That ain't funny, is it, sis?"

[about a clerk, after recounting a story he read in which someone presented a store cashier with a million dollar bill and asked for change]