I no longer wanted to be controlled. I wanted to control my own life. Not just control, but lead. - Najwa Zebian

To all the people I pushed away while I was healing: Forgive me for not being able to welcome you when I really wanted to. I was scared. I was scared you’d judge me. I was scared you wouldn’t understand. I was scared you’d ask me how I couldn’t have known better. I was scared you’d push me away and remind me of all the reasons I don’t deserve to be loved. I was scared. Everyone I welcomed before you either lied or left or took more than what I had to give. Everyone I welcomed before you only stayed as long as I was who they wanted me to be instead of who I actually am. I’m sorry I made you feel I couldn’t trust you when the truth was I couldn’t even trust myself.

My heart crumbles
into my aching soul
because I know that
I will never get the answer,
but all I want to ask you is:
Why did you ask me to love you
when you had no intention
of loving me?

You seek pain as if
it’s going to save you.
You dip into sadness
as if it’s going to bring you joy.