Nobody pours stuffing like you do, my friend. - David Sedaris

If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.

Dad followed his I’m-So-Disappointed speech with a lecture on career opportunities.
“You’re going to study literature and get a job doing what?” he said. “Literaturizing?

But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.