All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life'… - Doug Stanhope

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955, when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best...you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard — and you want me to have hope for these fuckin' monkeys on swing-sets?

Well, you know these immigrants, they come to our country, they burden our tax system. What they do is they come here and get into our education system and our health care, and I gotta pay the taxes. My taxes have to pay that. Well, what the fuck are you doing to me every time you have a kid? Every time you have a kid, because it's American, I should pull up a chaise lounge and wave a flag while 15 of those things come out of you? Oh, I can't wait to pay for these! They're American! I have a vasectomy and an abortion on my record, but I can't wait to pay for your fucking fat-headed midwestern kids. Love it! I'll take a second job.