I accidentally wound up at this "dance...place", gentleman clubby place. I wasn't driving, it was an accident; we pulled up to the place, ya know (ca… - Gabriel Iglesias

I have a thing for soda, I love it. [Points to the side of the stage] I know they gave me water, but- [Looks over to the side] Ooh-hoo, a soda! [Walks to it] I didn't even see it there. [Goes to a stool on the side of the stage, a bottle of water and a glass of soda sitting on it.] Excuse me, uno momento. [Picks up the glass of soda]..."Pepsi."

Three years ago, I bought a Beetle, not even thinking. [Audience laughs some] That's not the joke, shut up. See? I can't even tell you guys a story. [mocking laugh] I wasn't thinking, I bought the car, because it was affordable, economical, brand-new freakin' Beetle for like $17,000. I was, like, "AHHH!" First new car, you know? I go to show it off at my friend Martin's house. I thought it was nice. I pull up, like, [Imitates car driving, then brakes screeching] "MARTEEEEEEEEEEEEN!" He lives in the 'hood, I don't get out of the car. Across the street, there are these gang members, the kind of gang members that, they don't get into like shooting people and stuff like that, they just sit on the porch and talk a lot of smack. So I'm there in a Beetle and across the street, I hear this. I was like, "MARTEEEEEEN!" Over here, I hear, "Oralé!" [Looks behind] "Hey, what's up guys, hows it going?" "How did you get in there, esé?" [Gives an frustrated look] "HURRY UP, MARTIN!" 2 months later, I go back to pick him up. Now, I've had some time to work on the car. I put some rims on it, some stickers on it, I put a chip in the motor that makes it go faster. I thought I was bad, right? So I pull up, [Imitates car driving, tires screeching, and the motor revving] "MARTEEEEEN!" [Gesturing to the voice behind him] "Orale!" [Gabriel shakes his head] Uh-uh, I'm not turning around. "Hey!" Mmm-mm. "Hey!" I don't see you! "Yoo-hoo!" [Growls and turns around] "EH!" WHAT?! "Check it out, eh, it's the Fat and the Furious!"

Now, if you know for a fact that you are going to go to jail, okay? You're already like, "I'm gone," have a little fun. I don't mean taking off in a high-speed pursuit. No, no, no, don't do that, 'cause you're not going to get very far. I mean, if you're drunk, and you know you're going to go to jail, you know, and you have tinted windows, have a little extra fun. Take off your seatbelt, jump over to the passenger side, throw your seatbelt back on, and just wait for the cop. [Acts like he's just sitting and waiting, giggle] You have no idea how far you're going to throw his ass off, you guys. He's going to come over to the driver's side with a flashlight, and... [Acts like a police officer, using his microphone like a flashlight. Acts like he's confused, looking, then bending over, shining his "flashlight" inside.] You're sitting there...[Looks over, smiling; slurring] "He was here a second ago. [audience laughs] I don't know where he went. 'Xcuse me, what? Me drive? Oh, hell no, I'm fucked up!"