Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my “Get Rich Slow” scheme... and it’s working. - Mitch Hedberg

Listerine hurts, man; when I put Listerine in my mouth, I'm fuckin' angry. Germs do not go quietly.

My friend said to me "I think the weather's trippy." I said "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "Man, I should have just said 'Yeah.'"

I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.