I got a "do not disturb" sign on my hotel door. It says "do not disturb". Its time to go with "don't disturb". Its been "do not disturb" for too long… - Mitch Hedberg

So it said "You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95." I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment! We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination; good luck, fucker! The last payment must be made in wampum!

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...oh, wait it's at home...in the file...under 'D', for doughnut."

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.