Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts? - Steven Wright

"The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.

I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.