I would like to do Shakespeare's only unknown piece, That's the Way I Lick It ... It's a bleak night my Lord. Look! The moon like a testicle hangs lo… - Robin Williams

The professor was on acid, and sometimes he'd shout, "I'm Lincoln!" And then, there'd be a kid in the back, "I'm Booth!"

And that's when you realize that God gave you a penis and a brain and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Because now, when you go through airport security, it's tight. You go through the metal detector, and if you're heavily pierced, like some of my friends, it's like, (steps forward) "BZZT!" "Take out your keys, sir." Tip of the iceberg. (pantomimes removing various piercings from the ears, nostrils eyebrows, tongue; then reaches to the side, grabs an imaginary drill, points it at his crotch and makes a drilling noise) For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince Albert. And I'm sure that was his last wish. I'm sure Albert said "Victoria, I'm dying. I want you to name a museum, a performance hall, and a bolt through the cock after me. That will be Victoria's Secret. Go, my darling!"