You told your mother I was gonna blow you up with a fucking pumpkin bomb? What did she say?" "She. Was. Terrified. She wants me to move home. - Dane Cook

The reason I like to watch stuff about the Civil War is because I believe that I was in the Civil War. I went to a clairvoyant and she told me in a past life, she goes "You were in the Civil War." And I said I feel this. Because when I watch programs about the Civil War, sometimes, I feel like I know people. I'm like "There's James!" "Lloyd! I would know you, you fangle-tooth motherfucker! Go build that railroad."

When somebody gives you directions, don't you get so anal about their directions? They give you the directions and the entire time driving you're just cutting down their directions. You're like this, "Okay, take take a left at the red house." "That's fucking maroon, you idiot!" Why is it the street you're looking for always has a tree from the Mesozoic Era growing around the sign? You're looking for like Mount Vernon and all you see is like the N, and you drive by going, "That was probably it. You think that was it? That was probably it." There's always the point in the directions that they always write in parenthesis, "Uh, if you hit the train tracks, you've gone too far." And right when you read that, [imitates running over train tracks] "Fuck."

All you need for this is a pair of gloves. Just take your gloves, right, and go down to the bank. Get in line behind all the people at the bank. And give the person in front of you a nudge, just a little nudge, and they turn around. And when they turn around, start putting the gloves on and go "Now would be a good time to leave...Yeah, right now. Either that or take out a paper and pen and go, hey, how you spell 'Shoot you in the fucking face'? Come on, hurry up. One word? What is it?"