[On husbands sharing their wives' childbearing experience] Unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're trying to circumcise… - Robin Williams

There is one man that we can run for office that even the French would say "Fuck off!" That man...is Jack Nicholson. Yes! You will never have a sex scandal with Jack because he has fucked everyone!

My God, what am I doing here? It's weird. How do you get to the Met? Money! Lots and lots of money! I can imagine Pavarotti next door at the improv going, "Two Jews walk into a bar..."

I would like to do Shakespeare's only unknown piece, That's the Way I Lick It ... It's a bleak night my Lord. Look! The moon like a testicle hangs low in the sky. This bodes not well. ... Anon, post-haste, let's get a larger crowd in here. Free Cocaine! There's no luck. Does anyone have drugs to ease my pain? My Kingdom for a Quaalude! … It is the end! I must go, for I cannot come here, and yet, it has been brief, 'tis over, and the lights do turn bright. <small>I'm melting! Help me! Help me! </small>