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My last stop was in Anchorage, Alaska, which is real handy and a great place to visit in February if you...if you get the chance. After that, I went … - Ron White
" "My last stop was in Anchorage, Alaska, which is real handy and a great place to visit in February if you...if you get the chance. After that, I went to Fairbanks, Alaska, and my manager's prediction that there wouldn't be a lot of snow in Fairbanks, Alaska in February was off by about seven and a half fucking FEET! THE most boring town I've ever been to in my life. Sorry if you're from there. It is a bore-hole. And I was stranded there for THREE DAYS. Count 'em, one...tick...[pauses and looks at his watch]...tock...tick...Stranded there with the Eskimo people. Not a great looking group of folks. And I mentioned that onstage and they got pissed off. And I didn't see why they got so mad. I didn't insinuate that they had no character, I mentioned that they weren't attractive...I thought they knew. Apparently, I let some big cat out of the bag. Have you seen their teeth? They can make keys. You don't have to be in Fairbanks very long before you learn what that nose rubbing deal's all about. I'm good. Anyway, I got this scathing letter from the head Eskimo, Frosty or whatever his name was, and halfway through the letter he said he would have me know that the Inuit tribe is one of the purest races on the planet and I'm like, "That's kinda what I'm talkin' about. Nobody will have sex with these people." And then later in the letter it said there are less Inuits every year, which I guess means it's getting to where where they won't even have sex with each other.
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About Ron White
Ronald "Ron" White (born December 18, 1956) is an American stand-up comedian and satirist from Fritch, Texas. He is a member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
Also Known As
Alternative Names:
Ronald Dee White
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Additional quotes by Ron White
I told my wife, I said, "You get there at 5:30 you can fly with me but let me tell you something Sugar Tits, at 5:31 I am wheels up and I am fucking gone!" ...I said that. Not very loud, but I said it. 5:31 gets there. Is she there? No! Do I leave? [Majority of the audience says "Yes!"] ...No! 6:01 gets there. Is she there? No. Do I leave? No. Why? Because this dick won't suck itself, that's why. (10:29)
They processed me through county jail. Now, for whatever reason, I had a bunch of cash on me. I'd been on the road for a while. And now they gotta count it in front of me, and this guy comes over and he goes. [redneck accent] "Hey, man, I'm gonna have to count that money and you're gonna have to watch". And I'm like [sarcastic] "Fuck, not you." This money is in banded $5,000 stacks and this guy picks one of them up and goes [slowly flipping each bill] "One Mississippi. Two--". He didn't really say Mississippi but he fuckin' could have. "Two Mississippi..." and I go, "You can't do it that way. It'll take forever. Just take the band off and start counting. One-two-three-four-five. When you get to 50, that's 5,000 and just start the next stack." And he goes, "That's a good idea". That's what he said. So he counts the second stack and he goes "Hey, buddy, wait a minute! Wait a minute! There's only 42 in this one." I said, "Oh, that's okay. Just get 8 more outta this one, put it in this one. Now you have two stacks of 50. That's $10,000." I'M TEACHING THIS MOTHER FUCKER HOW TO COUNT!
In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it! That's right. You come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back! That's our policy. They're trying to pass a bill right now through the Texas legislature that will speed up the process of execution in heinous crimes where there's more than 3 credible eyewitnesses. That means that if three or more people saw you do what you did, you don't sit on Death Row for 15 years, Jack! You go straight to the front of the line. Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty. My state's putting in the express lane!
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