You ever take a crap so big, your pants fit better? Anybody ever do that? You ever...I'm hoping that happens to me later tonight, 'cause these babies… - Ron White

I have an airplane that you guys...bought me. I like it a lot. Half of the Fortune 500 companies in America have let go of their private jets. Not Ron White Inc., I'm flying that son-of-a-bitch straight into bankruptcy! I guarantee you, one day, I'll be livin' in a double-wide trailer with shag carpet, and I'll have a jet with weeds growin' through it. I'll be in the front seat goin', "Push me around some!" And I don't come from money. I come from the opposite of money. I come from...no money. 10 years ago, I lived in a camper in my friend's backyard. He didn't even know I was there. (7:12)

[imitating his cousin Ray on hunting deer] "Well, it was 4 in the mornin'. 22 degrees outside. 'Course, you weren't there...pussy. I'm in a camouflage deer blind, with grease paint on my face. I've got had deer urine on my boots—I'm not sure why. [as himself] I made that part up. [returns to imitating Ray] I've got a .30-06 rifle with a 12 power-scope and a bullet that'll travel at 2,500 feet per second. When that deer looked up to lick the salt sucker I'd hung from the danged ol' tree...caught him right above the eye." "Yeah? Well, I hit one with a van, goin' 55 miles an hour, with the headlights on and the horn blowin'!" Woo, that's an elusive little creature! If you ever miss one, it's because the bullet's moving too fast. Slow the bullet down to 55 miles an hour, put some headlights and a little horn on it, the deer will actually jump in front of the bullet!

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.