I was at a party. Some guy gave me some shit. He's like, "Here, man. Take this. It's fucking mushrooms." I took it, I forgot all about it, you know. … - Dave Chappelle

When you hear somebody call you "brother" too much, something terrible is about to happen. "Excuse me, brother. Brother?" And then I looked back, and the motherfucker had a tuxedo with the kente cloth tie. I said, "uh oh." He said, "I just want to ask you a couple questions." I said, "What publication are you with?" He said, "Me? I'm with The Daily Bongo." I said, "Daily Bongo? What the fuck? Who the fuck reads this?" He said, "Listen, brother, I just want to ask you a quick question. You understand that this year, this is a boycott for the Oscars. So I'm just wondering what made you, of all people, cross the motherfucking picket line and be here tonight?" I said, "Boycott? Nigga I haven't been working in ten years. What do you mean, boycott? I've been on strike, y'all niggas didn't stop working. I had to watch fucking Key and Peele do my show every night!"

There's more shootings than I can literally count. You can't even go to the goddamn zoo without seeing a shooting nowadays. They shot a gorilla at my local zoo. And the Cincinnati police said, "Shooting that gorilla was the toughest decision this department ever had to make." I said, "Well, you're about to see a lot of niggas in gorilla costumes in Cincinnati."

Never in a million years will you hear somebody on the radio say "I'm up for runnin' up on them crackers in city hall."