On Monday, Attorney General John Ashcroft issued a terrorism warning asking all Americans to be on high alert this week. Then on Friday he announced … - Tina Fey

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On Monday, Attorney General John Ashcroft issued a terrorism warning asking all Americans to be on high alert this week. Then on Friday he announced that the period of high alert will be extended indefinitely. I think I speak for all Americans when I say: Bitch, I can't be any more alert than I already am! Okay, I'm opening my mail with salad tongs, I take my passport into the shower with me. I'm watching so much CNN I'm having sex dreams about Wolf Blitzer. How 'bout this: you be on full alert. I'm gonna freeze my head like Walt Disney, and you can wake me up when everything's cool. Okay?

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About Tina Fey

Elizabeth Stamantina Fey (born May 18 1970) is a comedian best known for being the first ever female head-writer on Saturday Night Live as well as anchoring Weekend Update.

Biography information from Wikiquote

Also Known As

Birth Name: Elizabeth Stamatina Fey
Alternative Names: Elizabeth Stamatina "Tina" Fey

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In an attempt to make things easier for myself, which is the basis for all of history's worst decisions [...].

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"When I was a kid there was a TV interstitial during Saturday morning cartoons with a song that went like this: "The most important person in the whole wide world is you, and you hardly even know you. / You're the most important person!" Is this not the absolute worst thing you could instill in a child? They're the most important person? In the world? That's what they already think. You need to teach them the opposite."

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