[on his ex-wife's abortion] Has anyone had an abortion? You're all rapt with attention now, all of a sudden, so I assume you all have. It's a fucking… - Doug Stanhope

Don't learn from other people's mistakes. That's the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are fucking morons. Wrestling's the number one show on cable television. You're gonna learn from their mistakes? They're fuckin' tools! You might be the first guy who could to do it right and be a hero for all of us. Take a chance and learn to fly there, Orville Wright!

If you listen to anyone bitch about the economy for long enough, just let them talk, ;cause you'll eventually hear why it's exactly their fault. And not just Wall Street people, just dumbfucks at a lunch counter in Flint, Michigan. "I'm just a simple man, with a simple wife and four simple children, and I just want an honest day's work. Y'know, Obama's exporting all or jobs overseas, now I can't even find work." You sad motherfucker– Hang on a second! Did you just say you had four children?! Wait, wait, you have four children? In Flint, Michigan? ...Do you know how much it costs to raise a kid? The average cost to raise a single child to the age of seventeen is now $227,000. Almost a quarter of a million dollars! You have four of the fuckin' things! In Flint, Michigan! ...Next time you hear some sad sack on 60 Minutes bitching about how he got fucked over by the economy, instead of children, imagine he said quarter of a million dollar toys, fuckin' boats and... "Yeah, when they started laying off people in the late '80s, I made it through the first round of cuts. I said, 'Baby, I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, so let's get a quarter of a million dollar Lamborghini.' And then I got the pink slip, got a six-month severance package, so I said, 'Okay, baby, we're really on shaky ground now, we'd better get a beach house and a speed boat.' And now I can't even find work because of Obamanomics. My wife's pregnant with a quarter of a million dollar who-knows-what-it's-gonna-be. I'm a victim." No, you're a gambling addict! You made a million dollar wager, and ya lost! You made a million dollar wager, on spec, with no money in the bank to back it up, and now the mob is comin' to take your thumbs!

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason. It gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs...and more holes, that's what you ladies need!