The way I saw it, if my students were willing to pretend I was a teacher, the least I could do was return the favor and pretend that they were writer… - David Sedaris

Dad on friendship: "Sure, some people are nice. Real nice. Nice like carpets so you can walk all over them."

The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge.

I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.