'Cause in my church, when it comes to healing, you know how Benny Hinn lays his hands on a supposedly blind person, then when he takes his hands off,… - Denis Leary

I am now the leader of the Lapsed Catholic Church, and here are the rules, my friends. Thou shalt not? Fuck that, thou fucking shall! As long as you don't have sex with kids or kill anybody you can do whatever the FUCK you want in my church! But if you so much as look at an altar boy the wrong way, you don't get transferred to some distant parish up in Nova Scotia, no fucking way, pal! You stand naked in the middle of Times Square wearing a big neon sign that says "I carry a torch for kids who carry candles," you fucking asshole. And there's no more magic, no more burning bushes or [the virgin Mary appearing on] blueberry muffins. You screw up this time, the virgin mother shows up in your driveway like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas, she pistol whips ya, and then she sets your dick on fire, OK? Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every INCH of your shit, pal!

Ted Kennedy, a good senator but a bad date you know what I mean? "What'd I forget? Goddamit the fuckin' girl! Jesus Christ where are my pants?"

Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm, that's it okay? You cum, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep you get up in the morning and go to fucking work okay? That is it, end of fucking list!