Denis Leary Quotes

(talking about Marv Albert) Marv, Marv, Marv, Marv, Marv, Marv, Marv. This is God, what the HELL were you thinking?!?

And when it comes time to confess your sins in the Lapsed Catholic Church, guess who you confess your sins to? That's right, Father Leary. You walk in and say, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." You know what I say? "That's fucking great! What did you do?" "I, um, thought impure thoughts many times this week- "Fuckin' excellent! What else?" "Uh, I jerked off like five times-" "That's FUCKING great! You know what your penance is? Run across the street to that store, steal two cases of beer and a pizza, and bring it back here,' OK? 'Cause we're gonna sit around the rectory and smoke and eat pizza and drink beer and watch TV, and if we see the pope on TV, we're gonna give him the finger and make fun of his hats, OK?"

Never hate someone you don't even know; at least, not over petty issues like race and sexuality and religion. There are much better reasons than that for hating people you do know.

I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green, merry fucking Christmas!

I would never do crack. I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?

Cranberry Ale! Cranberry NUT CRUNCH FUCKING ALE! Cranberries and beer do not go together! One's for bladder infections, one's for getting DRUNK!

I'm the Lord of the Dance! Fuck Michael Flatley, it's me! ...Who has the balls to call themselves the lord of anything, huh? C'mon, last time somebody called themself lord on this planet, they got CRUCIFIED, Michael! And we know where the hammer and the nails are! We could put you up in a couple of minutes!

'Cause in my church, when it comes to healing, you know how Benny Hinn lays his hands on a supposedly blind person, then when he takes his hands off, the guy can see? Here's how we do it in my church. You're a pothead? Guess what...you're STILL a fucking pothead!

You're 18 years old, you're in a 7-11, you don't know shit about shit and PULL UP YOUR PANTS!

That's a great story that people like to latch onto...Very quickly we got New York club owners saying, 'You guys are too alike,' while Bill and I were saying, 'What are they fucking talking about?' It's the same approach to the subject maybe, but it's not the same act...But as I've said many times, a fable is sometimes better than the truth.

(talking about The Lord Of The Dance) Have you seen that show? If you have, GET OUT! Get the hell out of my show right now!

Did I miss a fucking meeting with the coffee? You can get every other flavor except COFFEE FLAVORED COFFEE! They got mochaccino, they've got chococcino, frapaccino, capaccino, rapaccino, Al Pacino, WHAT THE FUCK! www.whattheFUCK.com!!

Making a key decision now for our kids, it's religion decision time, you know...and I'm not bringing em up Catholic. I've made that decision. Boy, because I was raised Catholic, and NOO WAY! Uh-uh! Nope! Know what? I can't bring up my kids in a church whose authority system is entirely based on the size of fucking hats, okay? That's apparently how the Catholic church is run. The bigger the hat, the more important the guy, right? Priests have no hats, cardinals have those little red beanies, the pope has a collection of big hats...God must have a huge fucking sombrero up there in heaven! "Look at me, I'm GOD! Look at the size of my hat, who else would I be?" I don't know, lead singer of Los Lobos?

Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup! That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup- that's it!

The people you would have overdose on drugs never would. Like Mötley Crüe would never fucking overdose, man, never. You could put them in a room with two tons of crack, they'd come out half an hour later, goin "ROCK ON MAN!"