42 Quotes Tagged: nausea

Şu tepenin üstünde, kendimi onlardan ne kadar uzak hissediyorum. Sanki başka türdenim ben. Bütün gün çalıştıktan sonra bürolardan çıkıyor, evlere ve meydanlara neşeyle bakıp, bu kentin, kendi kentleri olduğunu, bir 'güzel burjuva kenti' niteliği taşıdığını düşünüyorlar. Korkmuyorlar; kendi yurtlarında olduklarını duyuyorlar. Musluklardan akan evcil kent suyundan, düğme çevrilince ampullerden yayılan ışıktan, dayanaklarla desteklenmiş melez ağaçlardan başka şey bilmezler. Her şeyin bir mekanizmaya uyarak ortaya çıktığını, dünyanın belli ve değişmez yasalara göre işlediğini günde yüz kere görürler: Boşlukta, bütün nesneler aynı hızla düşer; park yazın her gün saat altıda, kışın da dörtte kapanır; kurşun 335 derecede erir; son tramvay Hotel de Ville'den on biri beş geçe kalkar. Durgun, biraz asık suratlı kimselerdir. Yarın'ı, yani bugünün bir tekrarını düşünürler; kentlerde her sabah yeniden orataya çıkan tek bir gün vardır. Pazarları, bu tek günü az buçuk süslerler. Avanaklar! Güven dolu, kalın suratlarını göreceğimi düşündükçe tiksinti kaplıyor içimi. Yasalar yaparlar, bayağı romanlar yazarlar, çocuk yapma budalalığına düşmekten kurtulamazlar. Ama o koskoca, ne idüğü belirsiz doğa, kentlerine girmiş, her tarafa, evlerine, bürolarına, kendilerine bile sızmıştır. Doğa kıpırdamaz, olduğu gibi durur; onlar, içleri dolduğu, doğayı soludukları halde farkında değillerdir. Kentin dışında, yirmi kilometre uzakta olduğunu sanırlar doğanın. Onu görüyorum ben,bu doğayı görüyorum. Baş eğişinin tembellikten geldiğini biliyorum; yasaları olmadığını da biliyorum, onun düzenliliği sandıkları şey...Doğanın alışkanlıkları var yalnız, yarın değiştirebilir onları.

I haven’t had any adventures. Things have happened to me, events, incidents, anything you like. But not adventures. It isn’t a matter of words; I am beginning to understand. There is something I longed for more than all the rest - without realizing it properly. It wasn’t love, heaven forbid, nor glory, nor wealth. It was…anyway, I had imagined that at certain moments my life could take on a rare and precious quality. There was no need for extraordinary circumstances: all I asked for was a little order. There is nothing very splendid about my life at present: but now and then, for example when they played music in the cafés, I would l look back and say to myself: in the old days, in London, Meknés, Tokyo, I have known wonderful moments, I have had adventures. It is that which has been taken away from me now. I have just learnt, all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, that I have been lying to myself for ten years. Adventures are in books. And naturally, everything they tell you about in books can happen in real life, but not in the same way. It was to this way of happening that I attached so much importance.

Perhaps it is impossible to understand one's own face. Or perhaps it is because I am a single man? People who live in society have learned how to see themselves in mirrors as they appear to their friends. I have no friends. Is that why my flesh is so naked?

My passion was dead. For years it had rolled over and submerged me; now I felt empty. But that wasn't the worst: before me, posed with a sort of indolence, was a voluminous, insipid idea. I did not see clearly what it was, but it sickened me so much I couldn't look at it.

My existence began to worry me seriously. Was I not a simple spectre?

Objects should not touch because they are not alive. You use them, put them back in place, you live among them: they are useful, nothing more. But they touch me, it is unbearable. I am afraid of being in contact with them as though they were living beasts.

Everything is gratuitous, this garden, this city and myself. When you suddenly realize it, it makes you feel sick and everything begins to drift…that’s nausea.

General ideas are more flattering. And then professionals and even amateurs always end up by being right

You exaggerate everything. You continually force the truth because you're always looking for something.

I have crossed the seas, I have left cities behind me,
and I have followed the source of rivers towards their
source or plunged into forests, always making for other
cities. I have had women, I have fought with men ; and
I could never turn back any more than a record can spin
in reverse. And all that was leading me where ?
To this very moment...

Something has happened to me, I can't doubt it any more. It came as an illness does, not like an ordinary certainty, not like anything evident. It came cunningly, little by little; I felt a little strange, a little put out, that's all. Once established it never moved, it stayed quiet, and I was able to persuade myself that nothing was the matter with me, that it was a false alarm. And now, it's blossoming.

When you live alone, you even forget what it is to tell a story: plausibility disappears at the same time as friends. You let events flow by too: you suddenly see people appear who speak and then go away; you plunge into stories of which you can't make head or tail: you'd make a terrible witness. But on the other hand, everything improbable, everything which nobody would ever believe in a cafe, comes your way.

It is the reflection of my face. Often in these lost days I study it: I can understand nothing of this face. The faces of others have some sense, some direction. Not mine. I cannot even decide whether it is handsome or ugly. I think it is ugly because I have been told so. But it doesn't strike me. At heart, I am even shocked that anyone can attribute qualities of this kind to it, as if you called a clod of earth or a block of stone beautiful or ugly.

All these objects... how can I explain? They inconvenienced me; I would have liked the to exist less strongly, more dryly, in a more abstract way, with more reserve.

Perhaps it was a passing moment of madness after all. There is no trace of it any more. My odd feelings of the other week seem to me quite ridiculous today: I can no longer enter into them.