Yahtzee Croshaw Quotes

Women admire naked women as the kind of body they would like to have, while men admire naked women as the kind of body they would like to have tied down and squealing on the end of their dicks. (12 January 2005)

Guess you'd be better off going to the Escapist for regular ZP updates, hm? And why not click on some ads while you're there. (21 August 2008)

I used to be one of the guys, you know. I used to be another faceless contributor in a wall of opinion. I miss those days. (1 August 2008)

Anyway, if anyone reading this hasn't seen the Dark Knight yet, you officially aren't allowed on the internet until you rectify that. I think I should give it a few months and maybe watch it again on DVD before giving a definitive opinion, because being a massive cynic I'm immediately suspicious of any film that appears on the surface to be absolutely fucking legendary. (19 July 2008)

So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it. (3 July 2003)

Bush wouldn't be so bad if it was just him jumping up and down on the corpse of international diplomacy, but we've got Blair as well, kneeling behind him and rhythmically planting a kiss on each buttock with each of the American President's gleeful bounds. (17 July 2003)

I am a consumer, part of the system of capitalism. To the corporations that control our lives, I am nothing but a huge mouth wearing designer jeans, just one of billions, to be cajoled or threatened with advertising into giving my money to people who already have too much. Although I vocally consider this a despicable state of affairs, I buy their loveless food and wear their manufactured garments. I am simultaneously antagonist and component. (7 October 2003)

Christians are a funny lot, aren't they? It doesn't seem to matter what their God does, they'll just keep on loving him regardless. (8 November 2003)

God damn X-Entertainment. God damn it for being so god damn interesting that I'd rather sit reading their god damn articles when I should be doing some god damn work. God damn them. God damn the doctor for putting me on these god damn pills that make me god damn drowsy and fucked up all god damn morning. God damn everything. Then god damn god damning. (18 August 2004)

I'd just like to point out that Billy Joel looks like the result of a depraved breeding experiment between Ringo Starr and the tall bloke from Everybody Loves Raymond. (7 July 2004)

The 'wemon' is a shy creature and bathrooms offer it comfort by reminding it of its native Sweden! Try to lure it out with a few styrofoam packing peanuts and scratch it gently behind the ears. (5 October 2005)

I haven't really commented on the whole Steve Irwin thing. Since I live in the country he arguably embodied this seems like a tragic oversight. I mean, he was Australian, I live in Australia, he wrestled crocodiles, I pick my nose a lot, it was like losing a little part of me or something. But when that stingray broke his little heart and a nation was united in grief - or at least a media was - I kept conspicuously silent. I even had some prepared witticisms I could have used, like "I bet the crocodiles are pissed off that they never got around to it first" or "The guy who went for 'stingray' in the 'animal by which Steve Irwin will one day be killed' betting pool is pretty fucking happy right now". (16 October 2006)

Today marks the completion of my twenty-third year on this foetid planet. Who would have thought I'd make it this long without dying of mercury poisoning or swallowing my own tongue or something like that. (24 May 2006)

Yeah, I haven't updated in a while. What are you going to do about it, motherfucker? Oh yeah, you know your place. (17 June 2006)

All I can say is this: either every single member of that army had been promised a blow job of the Gods as soon as they got their queen back, or the Greeks invented brainwashing. (On the Greeks and the Trojan War, 31 May 2004)