Bill Cosby

The past is a ghost, the future is a dream, and all we ever have is now.

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

I'm not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it, I don't know when I lost it, I don't really think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job...and I don't want it!

"Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.

A pelican that is wet walks with a gaited limp, and the dry fish swims alone.

Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.

My father walked to school 4 o'clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.

Zip zop wop boopity bop.

I’m supposed to figure out if the glass is half full or half empty,” I told her.

Without a moment’s hesitation, in a split second, my grandmother shrugged and said: “It depends on if you’re drinking or pouring.

Carol Burnett put it best when she described labor pains. She said, "Take your bottom lip, and pull it over your head."

The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.

Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

My wife stood up in the stirrups, grabbed my bottom lip and said "I want morphine!" I said "But, dear —" [vigorously breathing]. She said "You shut up! YOU did this to me!" And on the next contraction she told everybody in the delivery room that my parents were never married.

A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.