Carol Burnett Quotes

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.

I would stand like this, yelling directions, for what seemed like hours without a break. One time I was dying for a drink of water, and I caught his attention as he was on his way to his office. “M-Mr. Batton?” He looked at me. “Mr. Batton … could I please use the water fountain? I’m thirsty.” He came at me like a tank. “Burnett!” Lord, he’s actually talking. “Yessir?” “Don’t you ever do that again!” “What should I do?” “You snap your fingers until you get my attention, and when you do, you open your mouth and point to the back of your throat!

She lit another cigarette and smiled. “And that, kid, is when they added the S to the end of my last name.” I laughed right through the kumquats. I miss her. She died early on the morning of my birthday in 1989, and I got my flowers and the card from her that afternoon.

There's a quote of hers [Lucille Ball] that I've always loved: 'I guess I would rather regret the things I've done than to regret the things I've never done.

I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?

As for the career, sometimes I catch myself daydreaming about being young again and doing it all over. Then I bring myself up short when I realize how incredibly fortunate I was.

Because nobody goes though life without a scar.

Carol, if you could be a member of the opposite sex for twenty-four hours, and then pop back and be yourself again, who would you be and what would you do?” My mind started racing like mad. Opposite sex? For twenty-four hours? Who would I be? What would I do? I said a quick little prayer. Please, let me just open my mouth and have whatever comes out make sense. I took a deep breath and what came out was this: “I’d be Osama bin Laden, and I’d kill myself.

When you have a dream, you've got to grab it and never let go.