Dave Barry Quotes

Reading... a vacation for the mind....

I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself.

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.'
Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?
Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?'
Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and — regardless of their political or cultural differences — accuse each other of cheating.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.