Frankie Boyle Quotes

Can I just say, my routine about raping and f*****g Holly Willoughby was part of a very long routine about whether or not it's OK to do a joke about that, and I look at it from both sides, there are pluses and minuses.

I watched Hannah Gadsby's show Nanette. Now, it's a really great show, you should watch it if you get the chance. She talks a lot in it about comedy and her main point is that she feels that, herself as an oppressed person, she's often used her comedy to let the audience off too lightly - she makes a lot of good points. I think the problem with stand-up comedy is it simplifies stuff. It's hard to get at the truth when you've got to get a lot of regular laughs. And sometimes I think, am I trying to get to the truth here or am I just trying to tell funnier lies? So for example, I think she simplifies some stuff in her show. She says, stand-up comedy works by creating a tension in the audience, that's then punctured with a punch line. I don't think mine works like that, I think for me the tension arrives in the punchline. My uncle always said "do something you love, and you never have to work a day in your life" - he did heroin. (laughter) The tension arrives in the punchline and the setup line is almost supposed to be soothing, really. People say, don't they, that you only regret the things in your life that you don't do. I don't know who said that first, but it's someone who's never broken two corkscrews trying to get an unlubricated parsnip out of their arse. (laughter) The tension arrives... in the punchline.

People get the wrong idea about me, they think I'm depressed or something - I'm not depressed. I don't wish that I was dead, I wish... that you were all dead.

I'm gonna leave yous with one final piece of advice, and my advice is; never trust the super rich. What's the first thing they do when they get rich, they buy a yacht. Ever been on a yacht? It's like being in a two star hotel on fucking roller-skates. The only reason anyone would want to own a yacht is so that they can abduct children, sail them out to international waters, fuck them, and dispose of their bodies. And that's what everyone who owns a yacht... is doing. I don't care who it is, J. K. Rowling? I have to say, for legal reasons, that J. K. Rowling is not fucking and killing children in international waters... to the best of my knowledge. That's what's happening out there; the sea levels aren't rising, it's just the weight of dead, fucked kids. The sea isn't even salty.

[Talking about Richard Hammond's high-speed dragster crash] That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.[Mimicking Richard Hammond] "She was wearing black... or was it red? Am I married?"

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?

(Speaking about jokes he made about the 2012 Summer Paralympics Opening Ceremony) The one that papers hated the most was "The Saudi Arabian Paralympic team are mainly thieves."

["Lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie"] Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Whatever it is it's heading straight for the World Trade Center!

They say that the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride. I mean, for £9.2 billion they could have written “Fuck off Germany” onto the moon.

There's two empty seats right middle - this is supposed to be sold out, where are they? I hope they're dead in a fucking car crash!

There is a vegetarian option: you can fuck off.

(Speaking about Pope Benedict XVI's resignation) The Pope must have done something that even the Catholic church found unacceptable. My theory is that he fucked an adult woman.

When I was about 8 or 9, I was a massive Michael Jackson fan and I wish I had known at the time that I was his type.

The thing that nobody really said about Rebecca Adlington is that she looks pretty weird. She looks like someone who's looking at themselves in the back of a spoon.

Men don't have to assess women, that's why we can objectify them so quickly. On some level, we don't really give a fuck. A man can see a woman with a heavy cold and all he'd think would be "I would rattle that fucking phlegm loose."